SOMERSET PA (AP) -- A. Wolf took the stand today in his own defense. This shocked and stunned the media who predicted that he would not testify in the brutal double murder trial. A. Wolf is accused of killing (and eating) The First Little Pig, and The Second Little Pig. This criminal trial is expected to be followed by a civil trial to be brought by the surviving Third Little Pig. The case has been characterized as a media circus.
His testimony is transcribed below:
"Everybody knows the story of the Three Little Pigs. Or at least they think they do. But I'll let you in on a little secret. Nobody knows the real story, because nobody has ever heard my side of the story. I'm Alexander T. Wolf. You can call me Al. I don't know how this whole Big Bad Wolf thing got started, but it's all wrong. Maybe it's because of our diet. Hey, it's not my fault wolves eat cute little animals like bunnies and sheep and pigs. That's just the way we are. If cheeseburgers were cute, folks would probably think you were Big and Bad too. But like I was saying, the whole big bad wolf thing is all wrong. The real story is about a sneeze and a cup of sugar.
THIS IS THE REAL STORY.
Way back in Once Upon a Time time, I was making a birthday cake for my dear old granny. I had a terrible sneezing cold. I ran out of sugar. So I walked down the street to ask my neighbor for a cup of sugar. Now this neighbor was a pig. And he wasn't too bright either. He had built his whole house out of straw. Can you believe it? I mean who in his right mind would build a house of straw? So of course the minute I knocked on the door, it fell right in. I didn't want to just walk into someone else's house. So I called, "Little Pig, Little Pig, are you in?" No answer. I was just about to go home without the cup of sugar for my dear old granny's birthday cake.
That's when my nose started to itch. I felt a sneeze coming on. Well I huffed. And I snuffed. And I sneezed a great sneeze.
And you know what? The whole darn straw house fell down. And right in the middle of the pile of straw was the First Little Pig - dead as a doornail. He had been home the whole time. It seemed like a shame to leave a perfectly good ham dinner lying there in the straw. So I ate it up. Think of it as a cheeseburger just lying there. I was feeling a little better. But I still didn't have my cup of sugar . So I went to the next neighbor's house. This neighbor was the First Little Pig's brother. He was a little smarter, but not much. He has built his house of sticks. I rang the bell on the stick house. Nobody answered. I called, "Mr. Pig, Mr. Pig, are you in?" He yelled back."Go away wolf. You can't come in. I'm shaving the hairs on my shinny chin chin."
I had just grabbed the doorknob when I felt another sneeze coming on. I huffed. And I snuffed. And I tried to cover my mouth, but I sneezed a great sneeze.
And you are not going to believe this, but the guy's house fell down
just like his brother's. When the dust cleared, there was the Second Little
Pig - dead as a doornail. Wolf's honor. Now you know food will spoil if
you just leave it out in the open. So I did the only thing there was to
do. I had dinner again. Think of it as a second helping. I was getting awfully
full. But my cold was feeling a little better. And I still didn't have that
cup of sugarr for my dear old granny's birthday cake. So I went to the next
house. This guy was the First and Second Little Pig's brother. He must have
been the brains of the family. He had built his house of bricks. I knocked
on the brick house. No answer. I called, "Mr Pig, Mr. Pig, are you
in?" And do you know what that rude little porker answered? "Get
out of here, Wolf. Don't bother me again."
Talk about impolite! He probably had a whole sackful of sugar. And he wouldn't give me even one little cup for my dear sweet old granny's birthday cake. What a pig!
I was just about to go home and maybe make a nice birthday card instead of a cake, when I felt my cold coming on. I huffed And I snuffed. And I sneezed once again.
Then the Third Little Pig yelled, " And your old granny can sit on a pin!" Now I'm usually a pretty calm fellow. But when somebody talks about my granny like that, I go a Little crazy. When the cops drove up, of course I was trying to break down this Pig's door. And the whole time I was huffing and puffing and sneezing and making a real scene.
The rest as they say is history.
The news reporters found out about the two pigs I had for dinner. They figured a sick guy going to borrow a cup of sugar didn't sound very exciting.
THE TRUE STORY OF THE THREE LITTLE PIGS! AS TOLD TO JON SCIESZKA ILLUSTRATED BY LANE SMITH, Published by: VIKING, 375 Hudson Street New York NY10014, 1989
The Trial of the Big Bad Wolf
The Wolf: villain or victim? The Three Pigs: innocent or at fault? The Jurors (Miss Muffet, Bo Peep, Cinderella and Humpty-Dumpty, to name a few): solid citizens or characters with a past? And what about Judge Wise O. Al? Is justice on his sideor does he have a secret to hide? Then there's the mediaa reporter, newscaster and town crier. Have they come to accurately report the proceedingsor to turn the courtroom into a media circus? And who is that surprise witness at the end? The answers to these profound questions and even more are revealed once and for all in this rollicking, fun-filled, action-packed trial-of-the-century (of course this century's nearly over, so look for a new trial-of-the-century in a couple of years). Just as he did in the widely produced Trial of Goldilocks, Joseph Robinette examines the guilt, or innocence, of the accused from different points of view and comes up with a surprising, yet eminently satisfying, conclusion in which no one escapes unscathed. And, as a bonus, a lesson or two is learned along the way. It all ends happily ever after, of course, with the newly bonded Wolf and Pigs along with the fairy-tale jury and all the others heading for a post-trial party at the castle of Old King Cole. http://www.dramaticpublishing.com